"Quand la vie te sépare de celui qui t'es le plus cher, qu'est-ce que tu fais?
Tu aimerais répondre à cette question par le verbe "se battre". Je me bats pour lui, pour le récupérer. Je me bats pour mon foutu bonheur, je me bats pour vivre.Mais, au final, tu sais qu'il n'y a rien à faire. Tu peux juste pleurer, regretter et le voir s'en aller. Pourtant tu aimerais tant te battre. Pour ensuite pouvoir te dire, que même si rien à changer, tu as tout fait pour que ça change et tu ne peux rien regretter.
Mais c'est bien beau de vouloir se battre. Comment le faire? Rien que le regarder t'es impossible. Alors que faire? Que faut-il tenter? Rien? Il faut vraiment abandonner? Il faut se taire, s'enfermer, le regarder partir et souffrir en silence? Je refuse de la croire. Je refuse de croire qu'il n'y a absolument rien à tenter. Je veux me réveiller. Je veux pouvoir le regarder en face. Je veux rire avec lui. Me forger un passage dans sa vie.
Mais COMMENT? Putain, COMMENT??!!
Je crois que la seule chose à faire est de redevenir moi-même, de rester forte devant lui. De tout accepter. De souffrir plus encore. Mais le voir, lui parler, être présente et sourire. C'est ce que j'ai voulu faire au début. Et il m'a rejeté clairement. Alors quoi? Je retente malgré tout?Tu sais ce qu'il te dirait, Lui. Il te dirait de te battre, que ses rêves d'anarchie s'appliquent aussi à cette situation. Mais tu as peur et tu as mal. Tu as cette putain de douleur qui te brise et te tue jours après jours. Mais si tu l'apprivoise, elle te rendra plus forte."
Oui, de nombreuses personnes me diraient de ne pas m'accrocher, de passer à autre chose.
Mais je ne penses à pas à me battre comme à m'accrocher. Je parle de me battre comme de relever la tête. D'arrêter de me faire noyer et de me noyer moi-même. Je souffrirais, encore plus que maintenant. Je le sais. Mais au moins, je ne regretterais rien. J'arrêterais de me dire "Et si cela c'était passé autrement?" Je sais qu'il ne se passera rien de plus. C'est juste pour ma tête.
Je veux arrêter de sentir cette gerbe monter au fur et a mesure que je m'approche du lycée. Je veux sourire. Je veux être belle.
Alors je sourirais avec une douleur atroce dans le ventre. Je me ferais belle les larmes aux yeux. Mais au moins je pourrais le regarder en face. Je pourrais tous les regarder. Je pourrais enfin sortir de ma misère. Et je finirais par fermer la boite, cette foutu boite.
Oui, à la base, ça semble un combat perdue d'avance, un espoir qui renait pour rien du tout. Mais ce n'est pas dans l'espoir de le récupérer que je le fais. Je sais que je ne le récupèrerais pas.
C'est pour ces foutus rêves chaque nuit. C'est pour tous les matins où je me réveille avec le gouts de ses lèvres sur les miennes. C'est pour toutes les pauses que je finis dans un état pitoyable. C'est pour pouvoir aider Manon et Ilana. C'est pour redevenir comme avant: avaler ma douleur et sourire.
J'en ai marre de laisser les évènements venir à moi et me détruire.
Il est passé à autre chose. Il vit sa vie comme il l'entend. J'ai le droit et même le devoir de faire de même.
Ma décision est prise. Je ne me laisserais plus démonter sans réagir. Oui, je souffrirais, Oui Je souffrirais plus, Oui, je souffrirais encore et encore.
Quitte à mourir autant que ce soit de ma main plutôt que de la sienne.
Et je suis d'autant plus sure de ma décision que tout à l'heure, j'ai enfin pu le regarder en face. J'ai enfin pu lui parler sans trop retenir mes larmes. Bien sûr, j'avais toujours cette irrésistible envie de toucher son visage, d'embrasser ses lèvres, de tripoter ses cheveux, de tenir sa main, de me mettre dans ses bras.
Et là maintenant, même s'il y a toujours cette boule de douleur dans mon coeur, j'ai les yeux secs et l'âme décidée.
Je l'aimerais toujours. Car il y aura toujours ce petit être dans mon ventre qui criera son nom. Et quand celui-ci ne sera plus là, Il sera toujours en moi, par mes pensées, par ma façon de réfléchir, et par ma vision du monde. J'aurais toujours un petit Seb' dans ma tête qui m'indiquera ce qu'il aurait penser dans telle ou telle situation.
Et là maintenant, même s'il y a toujours cette boule de douleur dans mon coeur, j'ai les yeux secs et l'âme décidée.
Je l'aimerais toujours. Car il y aura toujours ce petit être dans mon ventre qui criera son nom. Et quand celui-ci ne sera plus là, Il sera toujours en moi, par mes pensées, par ma façon de réfléchir, et par ma vision du monde. J'aurais toujours un petit Seb' dans ma tête qui m'indiquera ce qu'il aurait penser dans telle ou telle situation.
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