ninabel

Utopiste amateur... mais où va le monde ...

Dimanche 7 février 2010 à 21:15

Des choix se profilent. Je les vois venir de loin, semblant me dire "ma belle, on arrive et on va te pourrir la vie"
Que faire? Ma vie du moment est pleine d'indécisions, de doutes, de regrets, de peur de décider.
Les anciennes décisions que j'ai prises vont devoir être remises en question, je devrais surement aller contre mon instinct de survie et répondre à mes envies. J'aimerais tellement que les deux s'accordent, pour une fois...

Je pensais que j'écrirais ici qu'une page c'était tournée et qu'il fallait maintenant en vivre une autre. Mais non, son odeur est là, bien présente sur ma peau... Ce petit bout d'homme continue à me torturer et à me faire avancer. Au final, il n'est jamais parti et le Nous, notre symbiose, non plus.
Je  ne trouve pas les mots pour exprimer ce qui se passe entre nous. Comme si l'essentiel n'avait pas changé, qu'il n'y avait que la forme de notre relation qui ai été bouleversée. Pourtant c'est quand même le fond de ses sentiments qui sont à l'origine du changement, de notre rupture. [Si on peut encore appeler ça une rupture]

Dans un sens, ça me fait un peu peur cette absence d'officialisation. Techniquement, il ne peut ni me tromper, ni rompre avec moi. Il peut donc en toute impunité partir du jour au lendemain avec une autre... Je ne peut me baser que sur ma confiance en lui et en ses sentiments. Mais comment faire entièrement confiance à un homme qui vous à plaqué et qui ne sait pas clairement ce qu'il éprouve encore pour vous?
Je lui fait confiance quand je suis avec lui, "au péril de ma vie". Mais quand je suis loin de lui, tout se bouscule dans ma tête. "Tu ne peux pas te laisser avoir comme ça! Il se joue de toi, de tes sentiments. Il profite de toi. Il avait pourtant ce regard plein d'admiration et de tendresse tout à l'heure. Tu sais bien que tu ne peux pas te fier à son regard. Mais il a dit que le Nous lui manquait. Ce ne sont que des paroles.  etc..."
Quand on ne peut être sûr ni du regard, ni des paroles, ni des sentiments, notre confiance ballote entre des milliers de questions et suppositions.

Par littlestarintheskin le Jeudi 11 février 2010 à 21:19
suit ton instinct, fait ce que semble juste.
Par Satine le Jeudi 18 février 2010 à 16:15
Coucou ma belle. Navrée de ne pas être venue aux nouvelles depuis longtemps :$
je vois que tu nages toujours dans la semoule, avec ton "Petit bout d'homme" :s
Je pense sincèrement qu''il faut abandonner, dans ces conditions... Parfois on n'a plus le choix...
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