ninabel

Utopiste amateur... mais où va le monde ...

Lundi 30 janvier 2012 à 14:30

J'avais écrit il y a maintenant plus d'un an que je voulais partir, que je voulais changer, que je voulais abandonner ma vie.
Et je me rends compte que je suis partie, que j'ai changé, sans pour autant abandonner ma vie.

Si mes séances avec ma psy m'ont apporté un petit quelque chose, c'est bien cela. Elles m'ont permis de me rendre compte que je mentais. Je n'arrivais pas à lui répondre correctement, ou plutôt, je lui répondais correctement. Je lui lançais des réponses bidons, ce qu'elle attendais. Mais je sentais en répondant que ce n'était pas vrai. Ces séances ne m'ont pas permis de m'ouvrir, de parler de moi. Mais elles m'ont permis de me rendre compte que j'étais lâche et que je me cachais beaucoup de choses. Ma dernière lâcheté a été d'abandonner cette thérapie.

Depuis un an, je me rends compte que j'ai énormément changé. Pas du tout au tout. Je suis toujours moi. Mais justement, je suis de plus en plus moi. J'ai repris confiance. J'ai découvert certaines choses que je m'étais caché. J'ai compris le pouvoir que je pouvais avoir certaines fois. J'ai appris à me faire confiance. A faire confiance en mon jugement et mes intuitions. J'ai appris à ouvrir mon esprit et mes sens aux autres. J'ai appris à m'ouvrir sur moi-même. J'ai placé mon égo sur la barre supérieure. Je me suis vue en temps que femme. J'ai vu le regard des autres sur moi. En particulier le regard des hommes. Qui eu cru que le célibat me rendrais ma confiance en moi-même?

Mais voilà, j'ai changé. Je me suis entendue parler de mes études. J'ai compris le pouvoir qu'avaient les enfants sur moi. J'ai compris comment attirer le regard des hommes. J'ai découvert ou plutôt j'ai redécouvert mes passions. Je me suis remise à écrire. Je me suis remise à la guitare. Je ne me suis pas encore remise au dessin, mais ça ne saurait tarder. J'ai compris ce qui me plaisait dans mes études. J'ai compris que j'étais jeune et que j'avais toute la vie devant moi. J'ai compris qu'il ne tenait qu'à moi d'en profiter à fond.

Mais voilà, je n'ai pas tant changé que ça. Je me suis rendue compte que je me cachais. Que je n'osais toujours pas. J'ai compris que je ne me faisais toujours pas pleinement confiance. Je me suis rendue compte que j'avais fini pas faire ce dont je m'étais toujours défendue. J'ai fini par rêver ma vie plutôt que de vivre mes rêves.

Mais voilà, je vais partir. Je vais partir un an dans un pays étranger. Je vais partir avec une amie pendant un an pour étudier dans une langue que je ne connais pas vraiment. Et j'ai peur. Et ça me fait le plus grand bien. Parce que c'est un rêve que je vais réaliser. Parce que même si je ne m'en sens pas à la hauteur, je sais que je ne regretterais rien.

"Entre le chemin facile et le chemin difficile, suit le second choix. Car même s'il n'est pas celui de la réussite, tu n'aura aucun regret" [Confucius]

Par DTN-of-the-world le Lundi 30 janvier 2012 à 23:08
Juste pour dire que le titre, c'est juste une chanson que j'adore ^^
Par ninabel le Mardi 31 janvier 2012 à 13:26
Baaaa Comment je fais pour te contacter maintenant que tu as effacé ton cowblog?
Si je peux me permettre, si par hasard tu ne connais pas la radio Oui.FM, tu devrais tester =)
Enfin au moins leurs webradios, surtout celle d'alternative rock =)
A bon entendeur, salut ;)
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